A recent comment on this site raises a good question about the situation we faced with the birth of our son through surrogacy -- a situation that contributed to the surrogate mother's husband asking for a divorce.
Many people, including one of my own children, have asked me, "How could you let this happen? How could you let her lose everything important in her life so long as you got what you wanted?"
The obvious answer is that there was nothing I COULD do about it. My friend Arletta, who gave birth to our baby son, didn't learn that her marriage of nearly eleven years was in trouble until she was late into her seventh month of pregnancy. What could anyone have done by then? End the pregnancy to save the marriage? No one would do that, or could do that. Agree with Arletta's former husband that surrogacy itself was an immoral act? Concur with the judge's decision to give sole custody of Arletta's children to her husband BECAUSE she couldn't care for them properly while carrying a baby was correct? Try to pay him off?
Although I am neither rich nor powerful, and never sought any publicity surrounding this most private family matter, trying to intervene with high-powered lawyers or carefully placed phone calls to the media would only have made the matter worse.
Using money to try to influence the fate of a woman accused of having a baby "for money" (which was not at all her motive) would only have added insult to injury. Many times, Arletta was offered checks and legal advice, by many people concerned that this court decision would affect not only the rights of women to choose to be surrogate mothers but the rights of women, period. She refused every time.
She wanted it to be clear that her conscience was clear. She had said she would bring our son into the world for little more than her expenses, and she did.
However, at the time the whole thing began to happen, the guilt we felt was nearly intolerable.
It was Arletta who reassured us that a marriage as long and as apparently strong as hers seemed to be could not end over this one issue -- a pregnancy that would have ended in a matter of weeks. It was she who told us that many more issues had to be involved. Her faith -- in God, in her family, in us -- kept her strong in her belief that eventually, the truth would be stronger than any cruel falsehood pur forth about her or about us. That is still what she believes.
In months afterward, she would only reiterate this.
She told me not long ago, "I got so much more from this experience than I would have believed when I was going through the pain. I grew so much in self-confidence. I saw my marriage for what it was and I might never have done that. I am twice the person I was before. This was something I was meant to do."
Instead of becoming bitter and regretful, as many would have, she became more loving and giving. She earned the respect even of those who'd doubted her choice in the first place, in the small Kentucky town where she lives. Those who saw her talk about the birth on national TV felt only compassion and admiration for her.
Would we have gone forward with this if we had known what it would do to Arletta's family? Of course not.
If there were anything we could do --legally, financially, ethically -- to help restore Arletta's children to her, would we do that? In a second, we would, of course.
We thought we had her ex-husband's full support. He had time to think long and hard about signing the contract along with her, before he did it. He had counseling. They had many discussions. Though it was her idea, he was in support of it until the end.
Or was he? It isn't right to second-guess anyone's motives; but it may be that he saw this situation as a way to leave a marriage he no longer wanted. That is what Arletta's extended family believes.
To discuss what we've "done" for Arletta would be improper - a violation of a very private relationshihp. It would also seem that we were congratulating ourselves on doing only what was right. Suffice it to say that we love her as much for who she is as for what she did; and there will never be a time in our lives that we are not close friends..family. Our relationship was sealed in this fire.
Anyone who might think of me as a "Hollywood type" (the very idea is ludicrous) would never think so after she met me or my family. Arletta never knew that I wrote books for my job when we met and began this journey. It was only later that she gradually gained that knowledge -- and not from me. I (and my husband) entered into this journey as a parent, not as someone whose picture had been in the newspaper.
No one needs to know if we were there for Arletta or not there for her -- except Arletta. But she does know. And if you were to ask her, I know exactly what she would say. While it hurts to be considered someone who would use a good person to satisfy her own ends and then stop caring, it's comforting to know just how far from the truth that assumption is.
Jackie Mitchard
Comments (5)
Boy - you "Hollywood" types don't miss a beat do you? What hot-shot director helped you write that "get out of guilt free" card? I am shocked by your obvious lack of compassion and empathy towards Arletta and her family. This woman gave you a gift you could have NEVER given yourself! I think it's "ludicrous" to say there was NOTHING you could have done, but hey, if that helps you sleep at night.....whatever. I am not a member of Arletta's family, but I know her enough to know that she is more mother than you will ever be, and to imply in your "comment" that she just hit the emotional jackpot because she gave birth to your child is SICKENING! In closing, your response has made me feel like perhaps you should be thrown into "the deep end of the ocean." I hope this whole fiasco has left you thrilled, happy, satisfied, whatever you "country club" folks call it...but in the words of the great Simon Cowell..."I think you are absolutely dreadful." I hope when your son grows up, you have the guts to tell him what this poor lady had to go through so that he could be brought into this world. Then tell him how you took him home from the hospital and then left her out to dry, I'm sure he will be very proud of you. And BTW lady, if your OWN children are asking you "how could you do this," then what do you think the rest of the world is going to think?? I guess when you own a mansion in Boston and have a 7, 8, 9 figure salary, it really doesn't matter does it?? You are right about one thing though, Arletta does have a clear conscious, too bad I can't say the same for you!
Posted by A KY "Hick" YOU will NEVER take advantage of! | February 3, 2006 4:36 PM
Posted on February 3, 2006 16:36
Mrs. Mitchard,
I am pleased to see that you posted my comment, I wasn't sure you would ,it seemed slightly offensive to you (very respectable)... I do not intend to post on this website again, and as a matter of fact will probably not ever make my way back to it, unless I am interested in information on Arletta. I don't want to post on your blog anything negative about you when it was meant for the purpose of discussing your books and singing your praises..
I just want to add that sometimes doing the RIGHT thing is not something you are asked to do, people do the RIGHT thing because it's the right thing to do... I think Arletta comes from a very proud and tight knit family who probably don't ask alot of people, and would probably never ask for your or anyone else’s help, However, that doesn't mean that she is not owed all the help she can get, and giving someone who has been so generous to you, Help, is the RIGHT thing to do....
Best Regards
Laura Pilky
Athens, TN
Posted by Laura | February 3, 2006 5:48 PM
Posted on February 3, 2006 17:48
Mrs. Mitchard,
I am pleased to see that you posted my comment, I wasn't sure you would ,it seemed slightly offensive to you (very respectable)... I do not intend to post on this website again, and as a matter of fact will probably not ever make my way back to it, unless I am interested in information on Arletta. I don't want to post on your blog anything negative about you when it was meant for the purpose of discussing your books and singing your praises..
I just want to add that sometimes doing the RIGHT thing is not something you are asked to do, people do the RIGHT thing because it's the right thing to do... I think Arletta comes from a very proud and tight knit family who probably don't ask alot of people, and would probably never ask for your or anyone else’s help, However, that doesn't mean that she is not owed all the help she can get, and giving someone who has been so generous to you, Help, is the RIGHT thing to do....
Best Regards
Laura Pilky
Athens, TN
Posted by Laura | February 3, 2006 5:48 PM
Posted on February 3, 2006 17:48
Why did you not post your most recent "comment" regarding the many ways you have "helped" Arletta Bendschneider?
Posted by newyouwouldn'tpostit | February 9, 2006 7:04 PM
Posted on February 9, 2006 19:04
OK, I intended this to be a private e-mail, but I am tired of reading all of this trash talking about Jackie and her family, so I am posting an e-mail I sent privately to another person. I hope you will allow it to go through, Jackie. I really, really believe it needs to be said!
Thanks, Maureen
**********************************************
You are indeed a fortunate woman to know Arletta, the surrogate mother of Jackie Mitchard’s baby. I can only imagine the horror she is facing as a result of the blessing that she gave to another family. Arletta is a selfless human being and she truly does not deserve what she is experiencing, both in and out of court. I have never had the pleasure of meeting her, but can imagine that if I thought someone was taking advantage of her, especially someone she had been so good to, I would be disgusted with that person.
I read your comment on Jackie Mitchard’s blog yesterday, but did not immediately think I should respond. After reading Jackie’s response in her blog today, I cannot help but comment. I chose to send you a private email rather than posting this publicly, although I firmly believe everything I am about to say. Jackie can say whatever she wants, but hearing it from an unrelated person should provide you with a different perspective.
As I mentioned above, I do not know Arletta. I am fortunate, however, to know Jackie Mitchard, her husband, Chris, and many of her children, including Atticus Stuart Brent. He is a beautiful baby and he could not possibly be loved more. Jackie and Chris are exactly the polar opposite of “Hollywood-types.” They are such unassuming people, full of love for each other and their family and friends. Their children, all of them, are loved more than they can ever know.
Jackie has done many wonderful things for people, most of which will never be known by anyone other than the person she blessed with her generosity. In fact, she has even done some wonderful things anonymously. She has done these things by making use of the financial resources at her disposal, as well as the connections she has made through her work. But she has done all of these things because she is so full of love. Jackie has been given a gift; the gift of an enormous heart full of love. She is a deep-down good person. She is full of integrity. But more than anything else, she is real. She might not make the right decision all the time but she always makes the best decision she can at the time. Her first thought is not just of herself, instead she thinks about how her actions are going to impact the people she cares about.
Jackie can - and should - only go so far in defending herself against an allegation that she is heartless and only out for herself. Anything she might be doing to help Arletta as she fights for custody of her children should be kept confidential between Jackie and Arletta. To protect Arletta’s legal rights, Jackie absolutely should not be publicizing her efforts, but more than that, to protect Arletta’s right to have a private life, those efforts should be kept quiet. If Arletta chooses to make them public, that is her prerogative.
I am not Jackie, but I consider her a friend. I can assure you that she is absolutely NOT a “normal” person, as you asserted in your comment. She is an EXTRAORDINARY person!
Maureen
Posted by Maureen | February 10, 2006 5:09 PM
Posted on February 10, 2006 17:09