It occurs to me that this controversy over the personal cost to my friend Arletta of helping us create our son Atticus may seem tragic only for Arletta, her extended family and her children -- when her plight is taken entirely in the context of this single incident.
But there was a reason we turned to Arletta.
We might not have chosen to work together with Arletta if we had destroyed the embryos that were frozen at the time of the birth of our son, Will. Though we would have adopted several of our children, because it's a practice in which we believe, we might not have done that so often if we hadn't adopted children -- one in particular -- no one else would, though I won't tell you which one or why, nor could you tell if you met that child.
We might not have adopted so many children, given birth or assisted birth to so many children if eight pregnancies hadn't ended, one at an advanced stage, one nearly costing my life.
I might not have seven children if my first husband hadn't died horribly of cancer in his early '40s, and, after four grueling years as a single mother who at one point had $186 in her checking account, I married again, a man who'd never been married or had children. VERY Hollywood! I was the Paris Hilton of the local garage sales. I used to watch women on the street who were close to my size so I could buy their outworn clothing. People anonymously left boxes of their children's clothing on my porch for my sons. It wasn't until eight years ago that I first bought an outfit at full price at a store. And that hasn't happened often.
We might never have tried surrogacy if we hadn't spent the equivalent of a hefty year's salary fighting for custody of one baby daughter with her birthfather, who was in prison.
I might not have been so bent upon family if my mother hadn't died when I was very young, and if our father had decided to be a father mostly in name to me and my kid brother, although he loved us in his way.
None of us makes our choices in a vacuum, blithely deciding that wouldn't it be fun to have a huge family no matter what the costs to others? We all have a history and it shapes our destiny; and while Arty's family is suffering now -- I well know because Atty and I spent the past two days with her in Kentucky -- mine has suffered as well, fierce pain. Pain is never redeemed. But the happiness our children have brought us have allowed us to start a family over on ground where it seemed nothing would ever grow.
Jackie Mitchard
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Just so all of you will know. I spent this February 21st much differently than I did the 21st of February of '05. Yes, this year I spent the day in bed with a horrible stomach virus. Last year, however, I was in a sterile room in Milwaukee, WI with one of my dearest friends, 3 frozen embryos, and a world renowned doctor, who would perform the procedure that would have me go on to carry the miracle that we all know as Atticus. Atticus would be carried to term for my forever friend, Jackie and her husband Chris. Last year, too, I was seemingly in a happy marriage to the man of my dreams who seemed to be completely, and totally supportive of my desire to help Jackie and Chris complete their family. And, he and my two bright, beautiful, funny children were there in Milwaukee with me. This year, besides the stomach bug most of us know that the day and the year have presented me with many other changes in my life as well. I'm posting this as my show of support for Jackie and her family, all of whom will forever hold a very special place in my heart. Jackie has said it before, but let me reiterate it. Only she and I know what she has or hasn't done for me. While I truly appreciate everyone's heartfelt show of support for me and my children, to allow hurtful things to be said about my friend would make me as villanous and cold-hearted as she has been accused of being in some of these posts. I spent last Wednesday and Thursday with Atticus and Jackie. She had a speaking engagement for a cause she holds very dear to her heart. She had come to Louisville for little or next to no money, to speak candidly and eloquently on the debilitating disease known as MS. When she ended the talk she pointed to her belief in medical miracles, and briefly mentioned her newborn and the woman holding him. That woman was me. Did Jackie even have to tell me that she would be in my home state? That she wanted me to come see her and the baby? No. She didn't have to do either. Some surrogates never get to see the babies that they helped bring into this world. Ours is an extraordinary relationship. One I'm so grateful for. One she describes herself as being, "forged in the fire". I hope there never comes a time that they aren't in my thoughts even for the briefest of moments each and every day. I hope the same is true for them. But, short of that. That's really all I need from them right now. I sleep easy at night knowing that if ever there comes the time that I can think of anything that Jackie could do for me that would change any circumstances in my life, that all I would have to do is ask. She would do it. I say that with no hesitation and no reservation. How many of us, have friends that we could depend that solidly on? I'm lucking to have a friend like that. I'm lucky to have friends like that, and certainly blessed to have family like that. As for my continuing struggle. I think the words to this beautiful song sum it up best: "If all I had were blue skies, And days of perfect peace, Always sailing smoothly over, Gentle quiet seas. There's so much about You, I might have never known, But I have faced the wind and waves, And I see how faith has grown. If not for the Storms." Please continue to pray for me and mine. All my love,
Arty
Posted by Arty | February 23, 2006 12:19 PM
Posted on February 23, 2006 12:19